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'As seen on TV'
(From the January/February 2003 issue of Homecoming Magazine)
 

Okay. So, about a year ago, I got a certified letter from 'Gaither International Enterprises, Ltd., Inc., © ™' saying they would be starting The Homecoming Magazine. Six issues a year for the price of 12. As I read farther down the long and droning letter, they finally got to the point. Would I be interested in writing an article for their new magazine? And not just any article. The featured article.

How could I resist? Yes, of course I would be interested in writing the featured article. I folded up the letter, called my people who called their people who forthwithly notified the attorneys who had their people work out all the details.

Then I learned the name of the article: 'The Misadventures of Mark'. What is that about?

When I asked one of my people, she quickly contacted the editor-in-chief, Ms. Roberta Croteau, who answered, "Whatever he wants it to be about."

Whatever I want it to be about? I figured, since it was the featured article and it was about whatever I wanted it to be about, it should be about misadventures in style...first-class...to The Greek Islands...Rome...Paris... And the 'misadventure' would be that I left my cell phone at home. Or, I'll go scuba diving on the Great Barrier Reef and forget my sunscreen. Or, go sky-diving in Arizona and do a funny, skip-trip-and-fall when I exit the plane. Or...or...or take a river-rafting excursion down the Colorado and make some real funny faces for the camera and stuff. After all, this is being underwritten by Gaither and everyone knows he loves me and wants me to be happy.

So, I decided to call the editor-in-chief, myself, and ask her to drop by with some of her people. I would like to share with them my exciting and innovative ideas for the article. She said she would drop everything and be there that afternoon with a photographer. I quickly told one of my people to start cleaning the house. The Editor of this soon-to-be-prestigious magazine was coming to my 'humble abode' and bringing a photographer! She must really be excited about my exciting and innovative ideas. Brilliant, yet, slightly-on-the-edge. I figured she was having pictures taken so she could document the birth of literary history.

At precisely 3:30 p.m., there was a knock on the door...

I opened it and there stood Roberta Croteau, editor-in-chief of Homecoming Magazine, and Buffy 'the photographer'. In all my years of album covers, magazine articles, concert reviews and head-shot photo sessions, I have never met a photographer named Buffy. And that record still stands. She wasn't a photographer. She was a secretary, who happened to be available around 3:30 p.m., who said, "Shuah, I can run a camera." But, she couldn't. She didn't even know where to stick the batteries. I was about to tell her where to stick 'em when, suddenly, I noticed Roberta was holding two sacks. My attitude changed quickly when I realized she came bearing gifts.

But, before I was able to grab the loot and unfold my vision for the article, Roberta snatched the goodies back, beyond my reach, and started talking. And talking. And talking. She said that her idea for my article was for me to review some amazing products sold on TV. She started pulling these 'wonder' items out of the bags and my jaw dropped.

All of my dreams were fading like foot odor in a bubble bath. She said she thought it would be 'funny' if I gave a critique on each item.

No trips. No submarines. No first class towels.

And I had to do it. I told my people to agree with her people. So, I was committed.

Here are the items she brought for me to review: 'Flip, Flip, Fold', the ultimate in laundry folding; 'Spirooli', the perfect kitchen companion; and the world-famous Thigh Master. Well, it wasn't actually the Thigh Master. It was the 'ThighTekXL', a cheaper, more-affordable version of the Thigh Master. All three bought, not from a TV commercial, but a store at a discount mall that sells products originally sold on TV that didn't sell well.

All of a sudden, it was becoming clear. This magazine financed by 'Gaither International Enterprises, Ltd., Inc., © ™', was on a budget! I realized I was going to have to sacrifice quality journalism for the sake of a few extra pennies! But, I'll make it work!

It's at times like these - when dreams fall, hopes fade and aspirations evaporate - that I say to myself, "Buck-up, little camper! You can do it!"

So, I will lay down my dreams, die-to-self, let bygones be bygones and evaluate three of the 'hottest' items not selling much on infomercials today.

The first item up for my examination is the 'original' Flip, Flip, Fold with its 'patented anti-static design'. Turns out this is a blue plastic contraption with holes in it, which claims to fold any item in five seconds.

But, I found that fraudulent.

It won't fold 'any item' in five seconds. It won't fold refrigerators, televisions or patio furniture. Which, of course, no one would want to fold. But that's beside the point. It says it can fold 'ANY ITEM' in five seconds. I think that is a libelous claim.

The first thing I did was read the instructions. I hate instructions.

I prefer products that come out of the box knowing exactly what they're supposed to do, without directions, manuals or written material.

I wanted it to flip, flip and fold in five seconds. Put the perfectly-folded items on the correct shelves. Place itself back in the closet. While I had a cup of coffee, on the couch, by the fire, watching Oprah. But, as I found out, this is an owner-operated contraption.

This is what I call 'a stupid item'. It's much easier to just hire someone to fold the clothes. Or, have your live-in help do it (children, spouses, parents - whoever).

This is a soon-to-become yard sale item. Don't buy at retail.

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